All The Feelings

There are too many feelings and thoughts rumbling around in my head. Mixed emotions – on leaving New York (even though it is a temporary leave before I return for another two weeks and say my final goodbye), on the end of the school year, on my dance capabilities and potential career… I try to sort out the thoughts in my brain one by one but each time I try the same tangle of overlapping and corresponding thoughts occurs and I get tired and stop trying. Everything seems intertwined with one another – each decision leads to another which leads to another, and I’m scared and nervous and excited (not unlike Taylor Swift, perhaps, in this 22nd year of mine) to see where my path leads me during this upcoming summer and beyond.

Our two performances went well, I think! Being on an actual stage makes it a lot easier to perform than in a cramped rehearsal studio. Of course, our directors piled stress on us up until the very last moment, but I think we all did the best we could. There was a camaraderie present among all the dancers because we were all fed up with being told that yes, we were supposed to do this and yes, they had told us and how could we have not known? When in fact they did not tell us and their stress was just making it worse for us…

But thinking back, throwing all this blame around seems a little petty in light of the fact that everybody is human, everybody has emotions, and sometimes (all the time) you have to die to yourself and put others first. Get over yourself, as my friend used to tell me when I used to whine to him about my problems in life. I admit, not the most comforting thing to hear but one of the more practical pieces of advice I’ve received… 

I feel like somehow my time here in New York isn’t finished. I feel no sense of “closure” – whatever that may be. I’m not even sure what it would take for me to feel like I’ve successfully finished up my year here (or not even a year. More like nine months.) and I’m worried I will leave things feeling unfinished, but maybe I’ll just have to see how I feel when I get there. There’s no point in getting too worried about things that may not happen – but we shall see. So many feelings. It’s tiring, holding all these thoughts and feelings inside of me, and I can’t wait for them to be sorted out…