Stress and Grace

This week has been a tough one. We’re close to the end of our school year – only one more week of regular class and rehearsal and then its performance week! I’m pretty excited for the performance, even though it’s just a small one. It’s my first time really performing in a ballet piece, as a corps de ballet member, and it’s been a fun experience. Tensions have been high though, among dancers and teachers. With continuous rehearsals as well as our ballet assessment still to come on Monday, there is a lot expected of us students and we have to constantly find something more to give and above all stay alert and on top of our game and be thinking and using our brain. Within the last two days I’ve already seen five people cry and countless other people on the verge of tears. All because of what? Ballet? Teachers getting angry? Not dancing well? All the above. 

And where have my emotions been during this stressful time? I seem to be okay. I think I am okay, actually. For the last few weeks my teacher has been kind of ignoring me – or just not saying much to me, which can be good or it can be bad – which makes me think that ever since I told her I may not be returning next year, she turned her attention to students who will still be with her next year. Which I completely understand, and it actually takes the pressure off of me a little bit. I still do wish that I got more corrections and attention (everybody always wants attention and praise, right?) but I guess no comments are better than angry comments. 

On the other hand, even if mentally I don’t feel super stressed, I think my body is freaking out on me. I haven’t been sleeping super well lately and have been plagued by odd dreams. I overslept by an entire hour this past Wednesday which completely threw me off. I’ve been craving ramen and soondubu and all the comfort foods I normally turn to but know I shouldn’t to stay healthy. (Kale and other salads, no more cheese, less sugar, no more fries – at least that’s the plan, but I tend to give myself breaks every now and then and eat sweet things. And probably after my ballet assessment on Monday I’ll eat yummy things. HOORAY. Looking forward to Monday night now.) 

But above all, I’m so thankful for grace. When I woke up late, I only woke up an hour later, instead of two hours. I managed to catch the train right away and my commute went smoothly. I haven’t been getting yelled at for little mistakes, just reprimanded, and I’ve been able to get enough sleep so that I can remember what I did wrong and fix it the next day. There has been so much grace extended to me and not just in these little daily ways – but in the eternal sense as well. I know I rarely talk about holy things or such, because I feel like.. well, I’m just not that kind of person and my revelations about God and how He is present in my life seem very simple and not very groundbreaking to anybody else except me, so I keep it to myself. But one thing that I have realized lately – the little ways that God shows me grace in the forms of tiny little blessings in my day to day life are only a tiny glimpse of the eternal grace that He has extended to us. My human brain is so small to comprehend this…